I'm safe....I thought. It was a small comfort in the circumstances. The consideration of a quibble being so fine seemed quite hilarious. That afternoon I sat by the wayside and indulged in my favourite pass time....people watching. There is a satisfaction that comes from seeing past the unknowing faces of people as they unconsciously walk through life...so lost in their thoughts that they are oblivious of their own lease to the watching world.
There was a myriad of expressions.... A listlessness, fatigue, a definite anxiety.... A hopeless downcast faraway look that reeked of brokenness. Despite all of this....out of the blue popped a look I couldn't have missed for the world. It was a warm bright soul beaming with hope....shinning so bright as the sun....the rays of life bursting through my stare and finding me hidden behind the veil that had shielded me from those I was watching.
The truth is ....I saw myself in every individual that walked by. A flash of memory stole through my thoughts as I remembered sitting on the stair case in a moment of absolute emptiness, riddled with such apathy. I couldn't help me....the first instinct was to run up to this listless soul shake it to the reality that the path being trodden on was one well travelled. I longed to shout out through the veil that I too had once been there....dreading a recap.
It was all happening too fast...................oh how badly my voice quietly screamed out that I'd been there too, I reckoned it would have been of comfort.
A few moments later a lovely outward looking man walks by...I couldn't help noticing...the far away hopeless look of strain, anxiety and uncertainty. This time my whole being desired to jump out of this reverie and shout through the walls of his soul that he'd be alright. It was only a passing tide....but I was trapped in the canopy of my thoughts. People watching had ceased to be a pastime... I was living through the moments of my life as I stared at the world going by.
The way side had suddenly been invaded with a rich hullabaloo and yet still filled with countless lives quibbling through the complexities of life and of those real moments.
An unforgettable trice shot through the waves of thought. It was the warmth that emanated from a less tainted soul. The rays that burst through her soul reached out as I cropped with one hand against the falling brick wall. It shot through the thoughts of impossibilities that had shredded the only hope of survival I bore. You see....this was life itself.....this was me, I was looking at me:-) this look was so intimate. This was me....just before the listless shroud had bound me up. I wanted to be free....to jump out of my skin and grab the me that had faded away. To shake me out of this pit to who I was meant to be.
Tired of the weariness of always giving and never receiving had drained the fire from my soul. I figured out 'people watching' and quibbling were one and the same....well a sort of infused synthesis......one with the other.
I wanted out....life had written across the board too many words for my liking. I wanted to be free....I craved just one look....the look of hope and warmth. I edged to be able to say one day.....I'd never given up. This is what I hoped my fine quibble would be....and hope never fails.
Phoebe :-)
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